Gratitude or Gaslighting?

This is a story about balance. About the line between being thankful and being silenced – even by your own internal dialogue.

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The Science of Gratitude: A Powerful Practice

Let’s start with the benefits – because they’re real, and they’re powerful.

Gratitude activates areas of the brain associated with dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters that support feelings of happiness and contentment. MRI studies show that those who practice gratitude consistently have stronger neural sensitivity in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain associated with moral reasoning and empathy. In short: gratitude rewires your brain for joy.

Regularly giving thanks is linked to:

• Lower cortisol (stress hormone) levels
  
• Increased heart rate variability (a sign of emotional resilience)
  
• Reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety
  
• Improved immune function
  
• Stronger social bonds and feelings of connection
  

In a world that so often asks us to focus on what’s missing – the next goal, the next crisis, the next shiny thing – pausing to appreciate what’s here, now is an act of rebellion. And one we need more of.

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Ways to Practise Gratitude

Gratitude doesn’t need to be grand or Instagrammable. Some of the most effective ways to invite it into your life are beautifully simple:

• Gratitude Journaling: Write down three things you’re grateful for each day. They can be big (“I have supportive friends”) or small (“The kettle boiled just as I needed tea”).
• Mindful Reflection: Take a quiet moment to breathe and mentally thank someone or something that made your day lighter.
• Verbal Thanks: Say it out loud. “Thank you for helping me with that.” Or even: “Thank you, body, for carrying me today.”
• Gratitude Walks: As you walk, mentally name the things around you that you appreciate — trees, birdsong, fresh air, freedom.
• “Bookend Gratitude”: Start and end your day with a moment of thanks. This gentle routine can completely shift your nervous system.
• Group Gratitude: When me and the kids gathered together for our family meal at the end of the day, I would ask everyone to say what or who was their “ray of sunshine”.  It really helped us to be thankful for things – even when times were tough.

Getting into the habit of gratitude allows you to see more of what’s good – and to build emotional endurance when life gets tough.

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But… Gratitude Can Also Mask Pain

Here’s where things get more complicated.

I used to be deeply committed to gratitude. I still am – but with a caveat. For a long time, I practised it so fervently that I started ignoring things that were quietly breaking me.

I worked in a demanding environment, surrounded by people who were often dismissive, challenging, and steeped in outdated beliefs. Some were openly misogynistic. Others were clearly traumatised themselves – hardened by the nature of their work. I told myself to understand. I told myself to be grateful. Grateful I had a job. Grateful I had a purpose. Grateful to be able to serve. Grateful they’d “let me in.”

And all the while, I was slowly abandoning parts of myself.

I told myself they were “just old-school” – and that their comments weren’t personal. That they were under pressure. That I shouldn’t expect anything more. That I needed to be more resilient. That I was lucky.

I used gratitude to soothe the discomfort…
…But also to silence it.

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When Gratitude Turns Into Self-Gaslighting

Let’s call this what it is: toxic gratitude.

When we use gratitude to dismiss mistreatment, minimise our own needs, or excuse harmful behaviour – we cross a line. Gratitude becomes a kind of gaslighting. And sometimes, it’s us doing it to ourselves.

The voice that says “Be thankful” drowns out the voice that says “This isn’t okay.”
The voice that says “At least you have a job” dismisses the one that whispers “But I’m not safe here.”
The voice that says “They mean well” shames the one that says “I feel disrespected.”

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So What’s the Answer? Balance.

Gratitude isn’t the enemy. It’s still one of the most beautiful, grounding practices we have.

But like any strength, it becomes a weakness when overused or misapplied.

You can:

• Be grateful for your job and recognise when it’s hurting you
  
• Appreciate someone’s effort and still hold them accountable
  
• Give thanks for what’s good and speak up about what’s not
  
• Practise acceptance without tolerating harm
  

Gratitude and boundaries are not opposites. They are companions.

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A Final Thought

Gratitude is a tool — not a muzzle.

Use it to light your path, not to dim your truth. Use it to elevate what’s good, but don’t let it blind you to what needs to change.

You deserve to feel thankful.
You also deserve to feel safe.
You deserve to see the good.
You also deserve to name the harm.

It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.

And that, in itself, is something to be deeply grateful for.

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